I'm Back Bitches, and It's National Beer Day . . . Bitches

Well, well, well.  Looks like we're all alone.  I set out this tray of fresh grapes and ripened cheese for you.  Lay down by the fire . . . I have an oil that smells like pomegranates.

If you didn't notice (I'm assuming you have something better to do), I've been gone for . . . oh I don't know.  Something like 26 years.  The demands of running a restaurant, maintaining a relationship, having friends, and being stunningly good-looking take up their fair share of my schedule.  Unfortunately, blogging - despite the money and groupies - took a backseat to life.  Take heart: I kept drinking heavily, if not as adventurously.  You know?  Sometimes a dude just wants to sit back, drink a beer, finish it, and not write a bunch of shit about it. 

But I was beckoned back.  I've been eating monstrous amounts of exotic food, hanging with cool beer people, and hearing about how my lack of blogging has left a Haiti-sized hole in people's lives for the past few weeks.  Good food and beer deserves to be written and talked about.  So, forgive my occasional diversions away from beer.  They keep me interested in my own blathering.  That leads me to this.

I hadn't even logged in to my Blogger account in weeks.  When I did a few minutes ago, I was greeted by a comment from someone I can't yet identify.  A random perhaps?  It said this:

I don't know the appropriate place to post this, but in general NYC does not have the best food, not by far, not in my opinion.  I've been in NYC for a year and a half and I've had better food, lb for lb, in m home state of MA, every day of the year.

This person goes on to say that NYC doesn't have decent Chinese food (!) or pizza (!!).  This has nothing to do with beer, but I also LOVE food (possibly more than beer, but I write about beer because I know more about it).  Plus this is my spot, so I think this is an appropriate time to express my disdain for other people's opinions.

New York sucks.  That's right.  Manhattan?  Are you kidding me?  Everyone knows it's lame now.  Especially this person who posted this, who according to their profile lives on the Upper West Side.  The UWS is LAME, all caps.  In fact, aside from Park Slope, it might be the lamest section of the whole city.  So hey lame-ass: zip it.  Because no matter how much NYC sucks and has been commercialized and has become a playground for the rich, it KILLS wherever you are from.  This commenter says he/she is from Massachusetts.  Even worse.  I blame Massachusetts (well . . . and Giuliani) for New York sucking.  They come here from their wack-ass suburban podunk shithouse and wear their goddamn Tufts sweatshirts all over the city and make everyone be quiet late at night.

If you live in New York, let's get one thing clear: you came here because we have something your home doesn't.  Maybe it's hip-hop, or educated people, or running water.  But we have it.  You want Chinese food?  GO TO FUCKING FLUSHING.  It's like China 2.  You want pizza?  Um . . . get slapped in the face (if you're a man; if you're a woman, just trip over something).  You can't find pizza in NYC?!?!?  Well, maybe you can refer me to a good helmet store.

This person says we don't have good Greek food.  I live in Astoria.  Look it up.  I just had Lebanese today and FUCKING NEPALESE last week.  Please lame-asses from other places: just shut up and go home.  Or take New York like it is and enjoy it.  A bit more?

You cannot get a good steak bomb here (not one good Ma/Pa sub shops in NYC anywhere).   I haven't even found a place in NYC that makes their own donuts (Marty's donut land in Ipswich, MA.)

Oh well then let me catch the next horse and carriage to IPSWICH FUCKING MASSACHUSETTS.  According to Wikipedia, Ipswich is 97.6% white.  Wow.  Shocking.  No good Ma and Pa sub shops?  I live right down the street from Sal, Kris, and Charlie's who would ground your favorite sub shop into a paste that would be untastable on their amazing subs.  Then your favorite sub shop (which, if you recall, was recently turned to a paste) would be shit out by someone WAY cooler than you.  Then try Nicky's Vietnamese.  You will have the best subs of your life, and they show the Simpsons on a constant loop. 

New York has THE BEST FOOD ANYWHERE.  Maybe in ten years, they won't, but since right now we have Gordon Ramsay, Mario Batali, Chris Santos, Buttermilk Channel, Zarela, the Harrison, all of Queens (the most diverse place on the planet statistically), Wylie Dufresne, Bobby Flay, Morimoto's, David Bouley, Per Se/Ad Hoc, Les Halles, Aquavit, Resto, Momofuku, Jean-Georges, Jacques Torres, Max Brenner's, Katz's Deli, Le Cirque, Tom Colicchio, Alain Ducasse, about 500 other world-renowned chefs, and authentic regional cuisine from every country on the planet, we do. 

Also, if you are like this commenter and say your favorite beer is Peak IPA, please, stay out of the deep end.  I bet there's a nice fucking donut hole in Ipswich that would love to have you.