1,2 . . . Many: Bad Beer Makes You Do Bad Things

Last Friday, I presented the first "1, 2 . . . Many", a feature devoted to sending you into the weekend absolutely petrified to have even a sip of Zima.  No, no.  The real goal is to show the downside of drinking too much so that the next time you walk into a bar, you might slow down, take a breath, and forego the 14 Budweisers in favor of something flavorful and possibly even . . . dare we say it?  Complex.  Maybe, just maybe, you'll even pair a beer with your meal.  But all of this is impossible if the goal is to get so toasted that you don't even plan on keeping the beer down.  On second thought, if you are planning on vomiting, don't waste something nice.  Especially not a seasonal.  I mean, they only brew so much. 

Anyway, with that in mind, I present to you some news stories from around the world (and by that I mean the neighboring states of Pennsylvania and Ohio) that should bring this into a sharp and vivid reality.  Deal with it.

This wouldn't happen if we just outlawed PBR already:  According to The Morning Call, one Mr. Barrington Wordsworth III was charged in the theft of some rather rare champagne as it was being delivered to a specialty grocer in Pennsylvania . . . . No I'm just kidding.  John Higginbotham stole his neighbor's fucking PBR.  But the Pennsylvania part was true.  Apparently, this debonair chap got home from finishing school with quite a thirst.  So he went to his neighbor and asked for a beer, and was indeed given a PBR.  Then he came back and was greeted with (this time) multiple PBRs.  Well he still was not quenched and went over again.  This time, his neighbor wasn't home, so dude BROKE IN and took seven of our man's PBR.  Apparently, they found six cans of PBR is Higginbotham's garage, which makes me think he might be trying to smuggle one to Mexico. 

There is no lead-in that does this justice: What is it about beer that makes crime surrounding it so damn classy?  In Ohio on Halloween, a man was pulled over for driving the wrong way sans headlights down a one-way street.  Hmm, safe.  They stop the fellow, a James Miller, and find beer in the front seat, back seat and trunk.  Then they have him step out of the car to take the Breathalyzer test and find that he is costumed for Halloween.  As a Breathalyzer.

I would like to thank the AP for posting this picture in as many outlets as they could possibly find.  Seriously, the day after Halloween, if you googled "Wiggles lyrics", this picture would have come up.  I know.  I tried.  I would also like to point out that on his costume, it says "Blow here" right where one might blow to take such a test, which happens to be around his penis.  Nice one man.  Let's high five about it.  What is most amazing is that he dressed up as the very vehicle of his destruction.  Maybe he was making a comment about the restrictive nature of our drinking laws actually encouraging underage and abusive drinking.  Yeah, or maybe he just won a bet with his GED class.

Have a good weekend everybody.  For those of you who don't know, I update at least once almost every weekday.  Next week I have some pretty incredible stuff, and some winter seasonal reviews will be going up very soon.  This has been a joy to write so far and I'm just getting started.  Thanks so much.